Finding My Happiness

First of all, I think a "Blog Update" is certainly overdue. I have been tossing around what exactly I wanted to blog about... I could go on giving updates and incite into my current situation, describing endlessly how things have vastly improved, and ramble about how proud I am of the measure of kindness that has recently been bestowed upon me... but then i thought.. NAH!

I don't quite have the words for that at the present and I am not so sure I want to spend a few hours with paper and pen tracing on old lines of elegance. Instead, I got to thinking about Happiness and what value it has to me. I am not a person who has ever thought about happiness directly, only knew, or thought I knew that I'd never been happy...How's that for a farce? I think one of the worst things a person can tell themselves is that happiness doesn't exist. I came across a blog here awhile back, and it sort of opened my eyes, reminding me that happiness isn't getting everything you ever wanted, and it is certainly not money, fame, or fortune. While all of those things may be nice...Most of us are here in the real, average, blue collar world.

For someone like myself who grew up in what I would categorize an "abusive" home for many different and currently irrelevant reasons, I can honestly say that I am not so sure that I had a basis or any real understanding of what exactly happiness was...

Most everything I've ever learned has been self-taught, rarely attending school, and when I did I bounced from so many grade level extremes (in both directions) that I was much more content to sit back with my books on all manner of subject and learn by myself. I threw myself into psychology, philosophy, art, photography, and have a love/thirst for knowledge in general and that holds true down to the simplest of things, including human emotion, which for years I had no clue how to relate it to myself and others.

So if happiness is NOT getting everything I ever wanted, then what is the basis for happiness? Is it looking into your past and trying to find something amidst the chaos...I suppose I could come up with one or two favorite memories, sure...but sifting through all the negative just to come up with one shred of happiness, only pulls me back and the negative always seems to outweigh the positive...thereby completely destroying the reasons I ever started searching.

I began to look at it as a "Here and Now" sort of thing, because as we all know, you just can't change the past no matter what you do...so why should I dwell, I need to create new ideas, ways and methods for happiness...and with that in mind I have assembled a list of what really makes me happy or puts a smile on my face.

In no particular order, no one thing out-ranks another:

~ Hearing a baby laugh for the first time

~ Having a ladybug land on me or finding one unexpectedly

~ Finding a penny on the ground (heads up of course)

~ The smell of gingerbread baking

~ Thinking of my grandmothers' laughter until I can almost hear it

~ Standing in the rain with my face and hands pointed skyward

~ The scent of a coming rain, or shortly thereafter

~ Sitting in the room ( no matter how close or how far apart) from the man I truly love

~ Homemade pumpkin rolls

~ Being around my sisters after many months, and reminiscing.

~ Holding a baby for the first time in years

~ That first glass of ice water after a long night out drinking

~ Being asked to dance by a handsome stranger (whether I say no or not)

~ Waking up on Christmas and seeing a blanket of snow when it was not predicted

~ Receiving an unexpected compliment when least expected

~ Finding a bra that fits just right

~ Opening the Bible at random, reading the first passage and realizing you needed to hear it

~ Watching comedians on HBO with my friends

~ Test driving a new car and enjoying the smell more than the car

~Hot bubble baths with lavender

~ Hearing a song that was popular when I was a child

~ Running into old friends and finding out they are doing really well

~ Standing on the beach, closing my eyes and listening to the waves crash

~ The feel of new socks

~ Realizing I am NOT out of Q-tips after-all!

~ His arms

~ Tiger Lilies

~ Finally finishing a piece of art I have worked on for months

~ The first sip of whiskey after a long hard days work

~ Honeysuckles

~ Seeing a hummingbird fly past my window


Of course there are many more...I intend to keep looking for the small things and as they happen, I will keep writing them down.

I personally feel like this is a tiny step in the direction of where I want to be headed...Stay tuned and Live Spherically!!!



~

I woke up ALONE

For two weeks now, it's been the two of us. No fighting, no arguing, nothing ill or tormenting. We laughed, talked, cracked all the good jokes and fuck have we been full of them...The people around us noticed the change, said it was about time we evened out and we giggled as they got sick of our games. We both know, they just don't "play" right.

You held & kissed my hands, sat on my feet when they were cold, popped my toes, rubbed my neck, brushed my hair out of my eyes, turned other women down, shared a bed with me every single night and spent your every waking moments with me. In a way, you've given me the best gift you could have; peace. Thank you for that.

Last night, I couldn't get comfortable. Our usual bed was occupied and we tried to share a single...I had to go home and I think you got quite offended that I was "leaving" you. The look on your face, sheer disappointment. The oddity...is I know you have put that look on my face more than once and I doubt you batted an eye, myself on the other hand...felt so guilty over something I considered so trivial.

I watched you snap up, throw on your clothes and shoes...I offered you a ride and you refused it. I asked if you were angry, and you gave me that look again and walked away, leaving me standing there in the cold misty morning, barefoot and confused. I didn't realize you suddenly couldn't be without me, I didn't recognize that change over.

I came home at 4:30am, to an empty house. I woke up freezing for the first time in two weeks. I woke up for the first time in years feeling utterly alone.
I immediately thought of this song and began to sing it, and I miss you today. I am writing this now, with my door open, hoping you'll walk up like you have every day. I am looking for that knowing and content goofy grin I have seen as of late. I am smoking my cigarette, and longing for my favorite chess partner. But, through the repetition of our relationship I have learned that it will be days before I see or hear from you again. For some reason what you confuse with rejection deems you cowardly for a few days. And now, after reading this, and considering the past few months...I suddenly don't feel so guilty...but, I still woke up alone.