Self Worth & Motivation

I Alone... Well Then Again, No.

"Oh Monika, I wish you could get yourself sorted, well what I really mean is...I wish you could get yourself Sober" -- A sentence, I am sure many people have said to or of me.

For some reason, I have been in fantasy land the last two months. I would love to be able to say... I am exaggerating... But I have so many questions, thoughts, and animosities that it would seem I have been avoiding them entirely by drinking myself into an oblivion whilst fantasizing that a man, perhaps the only man I have ever loved for God knows what reasons... loves me back. I will always be the first person to say, " Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you the best way they know how." -- Well, I think I am just tired of the games, of the "L" word, the endless conversations and the fruitlessness that surely follows. Yet again, I am just not satisfied until I exhaust every encounter. The minute things are going straight, and I am smiling, the "blanket party" starts. I find myself in the most interesting position a woman can be in, one that I can honestly say is unfamiliar territory to me, even at twenty-seven years old. I find myself tangled and rearranged by love. I caught myself contorting The Self, to become what he wanted.

I suppose it sounds absurd, and perhaps it is. . . But I never wanted love, my entire life I strayed from it, took preventative measures, and went so far as to completely shut down my relationships... only now can I admit it is Fear, plain and simple. I can also admit that I had a preconceived notion of what Love can do to a person...I just didn't realize that my parents were the atypical example.

I have these dreams, ...I call them "Larger than Life" dreams. But in the grand scheme of things, I am only wishing for the same things everybody else does. I see myself happy, smiling in a front yard of a house that I am buying watching my children play. Little girls with long curly brown hair and eyes as blue as the ocean. It sounds attainable enough for a woman who has been in a relationship for 12 years..but nothing comes simple , and I am sure these is a price to pay for happiness...but at what cost, and what currency?

There seems to be so much foolishness in folly in my life at the moment...I feel literal spiraling and unraveling.
Then I take a step back, take a deep breath and say to myself "now, that wasn't really so bad, now was it?"
Right back to point A. Again, all I can say is... such is life cousins, such is life.

Live Spherically!

Versus

What an insane week I've had...I have certainly been busy, therefore neglecting my blog. I spent last weekend out at the lake with some friends (I have posted a few videos on youtube.com) Beyond, that it has really been a whirlwind of events, my dog and my grandfather died on the same day. My little sister and her children flew in for the services. It was a beautiful service, including flag detail and a 21 gun salute. I have been spending an unreasonable amount of time with my friends--drinking. I've been over-sighting my house, vehicle, phone calls, and basic nourishment. I think it may have caught up with me today however. I am coughing, and my nose is leaking profusely. I woke up starving and so thirsty...I am almost sure I drank enough water for three people today. It seems at some point last night, during the chaos of the mini private party I have done something to my back. It feels like a pinched nerve, same spot that always affects me...Coughing is extra fun! I have to brace myself before I can cough up a lung.

I've also been reading today...Franz Kafka as a matter of fact. And I intend to leave you a quote as follows:

"No one is capable of spending all his days and nights keeping watch over the hunger artist,  therefore no one person could be absolutely certain from firsthand knowledge that the fast had truly been constant and flawless; only the hunger artist himself could know that, and so at the same time only he could be a satisfied spectator of his own fast."

Live Spherically !

Click here to see what I was listening to as I wrote this!

Chamber of Sorrows / A Prayer for the dying

Music exists to say things words cannot say. To cry for you, when your tears are dry, a chance to let the soul weep; Which is why, it is not entirely human. Music is not for kings and perhaps you think music is for God, but you are wrong, God can speak. For the ear perhaps?  Yet, things I cannot speak, are not for the ear. For gold, for glory, for silence?  Yet, Silence is only the opposite of language. Rival musicians? Love? Sorrows of love? Wantonness? A wafer for the unknown? But what is a wafer? You can see it, taste it. It is nothing. Do you give up?

One must leave a drink for the dead. A refreshment for those who've run out of words. For lost childhoods... To muffle the stammering of drunken laborers, to silence the tantrums of an emotionally distant mother... For the time before we were born, before we breathed, or saw light. That alone, is Musics' true importance.

I will eventually die, and my brand of art and whimsy will die with me. My ideals, my dreams, my passions, my loves...but Music, especially Music designed to wake, lasts forever. Even when forever, seems too long.
And so I will leaved you an air to wake the dead. As it is commonly believed to do so.
Thus I give you "The Chamber of Sorrows"- who so few have enough ear to really listen.

If I were to live to be one thousand year old, I believe my wish would be that every person I know and care about could or would be able to listen to the Tomb of Sorrows and have more to say than, "That's beautiful". Of course it is beautiful. But why is it beautiful. Did it bring tears to your eyes, did your body catch up with the wailing of your soul? More importantly, do you feel that deeply?

Good Ol' Fashioned Thursday Night Tire Slashing

The day is Thursday, August 5th, 2010. A male friend calls, and demands I come out to one of the smaller local bars. I hem, I haw, I agree. I walk up the bar, (about 7 blocks away) around 4:30pm. The alcohol is coming at a steady flow, there is laughter, joking and dancing; yes, I said dancing! In walks someone, a male friend I have had ten months to move on from and swore I didn't care and I hated him, etc...Long story, short...I started slamming drinks, an obscene amount of liquor. At which time, I decide it would be a far better decision to relocate to another bar. However, as soon as it was noticed that I was absent, said "male friend" shows up to the other bar looking for me. Of course, bringing the "riff Raff". Lo and behold, a fight ensues and all hell breaks loose in the bar, bottles are flying, knives come out, and punches are flying, I am wrangling Goat and dodging punches and flying pool cues. The Bar-tender comes out with a bat and starts cracking the other party in the head, punching an older lady and chucking her across the dance floor...and after about 15 minutes of intense battle, the bar clears. Now, the building is metal and suddenly we hear banging, crashing,. popping and what I can tell you had a resemblance to an air-raid. It seems these out-of-towners from Houston, brought in by the Valero company went outside and slashed every fucking tire in the parking lot! Wouldn't be bad, but this is a relatively small town. Shit like that doesn't really happen here.

At any rate, this bar is is about 2 miles out-side of town, a long way to walk, drunk. The cops, S.O. and Rangers won't let anyone leave, they want statements from the 15 or so people still in the bar. Around 3:15 I decide I don't care and I want to go home, and my options are "walk". Now, it has just rained and we are way back on a dirt road and you have to walk down to go out to the highway.. It is muddy, slippery, and dark. I lost my shoes, misjudged the depth of a puddle, got a large chunk of broken beer bottle lodged in my foot and so many sticker thorns deep enough that it hurts me to walk three days later.

I get about quarter mile down the highway, a Sheriff stops and asks if everything is ok...I tell him I was just at the bar, tires are slashed and I am walking. I ask him for a ride, and he tells me he can't do that. Protect and serve my ass. He leaves. Another car stops, FINALLY, someone I happen to know. The bartenders husband! He picks us up, and goes right back to bar, so all of that , the brisk, drunken walk....yeah, for nothing! AND, I am right back where I started!. Out there for another thirty minutes answering questions. FINALLY, everyone is released, and we can go. Well, the guys car won't start, so myself, and two other guys are pushing this car to get it in position to get a jump, another puddle....yea, HA it looked ankle deep, pretty sure I was in this puddle up to my thigh, trying not to let this car roll back and run me over. Freezing cold, drunken success! So covered in mud, and freezing I finally made it home home at about 5:30am , with a headache and a major pain in my feet. I fell asleep on the living-room floor, woke up a few hours later and dug two pieces of glass about the size of a fifty cent piece and thought---Well, I wonder how far I really thought I was going to get.

Live Spherically people!

Practical Ideas for Pissing People Off.

Not exactly the most original post you will ever come across, I confess. However, it comes from a place that I think we've all been in. Don't you ever have those slow days when you can't think of anything on your own? All you know is someone pissed you off, and you HAVE to retaliate! ...But within reason. You find so many sites that give great ideas about retaliation or pranks but they are just too harsh, so all you do is laugh and think "what if?"  Well, I propose a list of ideas that will get the point across and keep you out of jail, won't break your "Prank Bank", and leaves you sitting back taking pleasure in the fact that you just screwed with someones' day.

Below you will find a list of ways to prank, annoy, or flat out PISS SOMEONE OFF!

Here are a few ways to use Super Glue to your advantage:

1. On a new roll of toilet paper, slide the glue tip about half way through the role and squeeze a few drops, you can do this at several points through-out the roll. The idea behind this is that when someone needs to use it, it will come off in tiny pieces and you essentially have to rip through the entire roll trying to get a long enough piece to finish the job, a real prankster would remove all other rolls from the bathroom.

2. Do you have a neighbor who steals the paper? you can do one of two things: a) sneak out extra early, and glue the bag the paper comes in to the sidewalk; as added entertainment, set up hidden video so you can post it on.Youtube.com and watch the neighbors 'struggle to hi-jack your paper. b) Using basically the same concept as the "Toilet-paper roll"...place a few random drops around the paper, so it tears as the "victim" tries to turn the pages.

3. Super-Glue someone's shoe laces. The idea behind this is, when someone slips off their sneakers without untying them, you place glue on the inner portion of the knot so they cannot untie the laces to put their shoes on. You could even tie them extra tight yourself, then gluing the inner portion of the knot. Watch as the "victim" struggles to untie their shoes!

4. Avid flip-flop wearer? Glue the entire shoe to the floor! As they attempt to slide in and slide off they basically trip, not realizing the shoes are stationary.

5. Bored at a local bar? Super Glue a quarter near your table, or on the dance floor and watch the drunk people fall, as they lean over and struggle to pick-up the quarter bait!

6. Office co-workers irritating you? Super Glue their mouse to the desk, make comments to other workers that you don't understand why they aren't pulling their weight around the office.

Other Fun Ideas:

1. Have a problem with co-workers stealing your lunch? Make a sandwich of Cat food, cayenne pepper, and raw fresh jalapeno's. It won't take too long to figure out who the thief is.

2. At the office water cooler, take several of the cups and use a tack to poke small holes in the bottoms of the cups and watch as the employees get water down the front of them,

3. Go to a local pet store and purchase $5.00 of live crickets, and place them in someones car. This would be best suited for a spouse or family member, unless your victim just happens to have their window down a crack. You don't want to get a B & E charge, so be careful not to do anything illegal.

4. Looking to really piss someone off? Get a hold of your victims' deodorant, slide a few toothpicks down into the product and smoothe over the holes. It may take a few day, but as soon as those sharp ends come to the surface it will most irritating to your victim!

5. Get a hold of the victims mouth-wash, replace it with white-vinegar and blue or green food-coloring.

6. Delete your victims' i-tunes library!

7. Coon urine is such a horrible smell- spray it in your victims' house, car, co-workers chair/desk, or pour some in the bottoms of their shoes! I swear this smell NEVER goes away, so be careful who you do this to, and remember stray from illegal activity- Putting Coon urine in someones' vehicle may be constituted as destruction of private property-Know the laws in your County.

8. Re-label all of your victims data Cd's with popular pornography titles. i.e Debbie Does Dallas

9. That towel hanging on the rack outside the shower, staple the back of it to the wall, so your victim is tugging and struggling to get it free so they can dry off. (great for a spousal or kid prank)

10. Husband wear tightie-whities? After he falls asleep, take red food coloring and squirt a few drops directly in the center of his back-side, when he wakes up he will flip-out! If you have one of those oblivious husbands...exclaim, "HONEY, whats  WRONG?!

11.Replace someones laundry detergent (powdered form) with a mixture of sand, starch, and a pkg. of powdered clothing dye (blue). Combine and distribute evenly so it appears to have the correct consistency. A real asshole would add itching powder.

12. Add half a bottle of Dawn's Dish-soap to The Cascade dishwasher detergent. This creates a mass amount of bubbles, so be careful to whom and where you decide to pull this prank.

13. Add two bottles of red food coloring to a carton of milk. -Looks a lot like blood and freaks people out. you could take a thermos to work and have your co-workers thinking you drink blood! (can you imagine your childrens' reaction if they thought mom and dad drank blood!)

14. get yourself a few boxes of gelatin (clear)  and pick a toilet (home, work, family or friends) make sure the toilet will not be in use for a few hours. When your victim(s) go to use the restroom, they get a splash. Note: it is difficult to get out of the toilet, you will have to scoop before you can flush, and you may have to scoop, add water. flush, repeat a few times before you can get rid of the jelly.

15. Take a piece of Saran-wrap and apply it tightly across a door jam at head, shoulder level. smear Karo syrup across it and watch as your victim walks right into it.

16. Smokers getting on your nerves? Take an eye-dropper and a bottle of Cinnamon extract(or any preference you may have) and place a drop in the area where the cigarette connects to the butt-completely ruins the flavor of their cigarettes. I have seen this done with Doe urine, but I am not sure exactly the health effects or the wisdom in this---you may want to do a little research.

17. Go down to a wreck yard, score a window from any car, (Cheap!) TAKE HOME and break in a tarp or towel with a hammer. Then roll down the victims car window, and scatter the glass around the area. If someone thinks their window is broken, no way they will try to roll it up! See how long you can keep this one going for- if they actually went down to have it replaced, can you imagine the look the laborers Face when he realizes there is a window in the car!?Sort of a P-I-F prank. Note: often times you can find glass in the road , eliminating the need for buying a  window.

18. Buy a quart of oil, and dump it under your victims vehicle so they think their car is leaking mass amounts of oil.

19. Get an eye dropper and mineral oil and get go after the eye-shadow and blush, place one or two drops in each color. This causes the make-up to stain the skin for a few days.

20. Really wanna be bad? Get pens that are specifically used for Henna, this ink stains the skin for weeks, sometimes months at a time. Be creative! Tattoos, words, art on the face neck arms back etc....

21. Shred up old clothes, get red food coloring, catchup, fake blood etc, and re-create a crime scene in your yard, neighbors yard etc. (USE RAW CHICKEN SKIN FOR TEXTURE)

22. Just want to be a jerk? switch all the movies in the DVD cases around.

23. In public restrooms: Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.

24. Get a game night going with your pals, play poker or craps, then pay them in monopoly cash. Claim you didn't know, you just assumed it was for fun.

25. Have a husband who has a lot of keys he uses at work? Replace all the keys with old keys to random shit, when he gets to work and can't use his keys, he'll be annoyed possibly even furious!

26. Get a can of sardines and drop bits of Sardines randomly and discreetly around an office, car, or home. SO smelly after a few days.

27. Send the boss love letters from a co-worker.

28. Take a permanent marker and draw clothing on all the models in the porno mags.

29. Use clear scotch tape and put it over the strip on all the victims credit cards- they won't work!

30. IN THE HUSBANDS WALLET- replace all the pictures with pictures of his ex and then get mad at him when you see them!

31. Put bleach in the spray and wash bottle. Stain remover! 

32. Discreetly open a new package of socks, snip the ends of and place them back in the package.

33. On a long sleeve shirt, just before the cuff, sew it closed so the victim cannot get his hands through the sleeves. 

34. If gifting a pair of jeans, sew the pockets and/or the zipper closed so they create a fun annoyance!

35. Cut a hold in the ass of every pair of panties/underwear.

36. Take old, skanky, dirty panties and hang them on your neighbors fence.

37. Address fake letters from the IRS to your victim claiming they are being audited.

38. Send fake court summons to your victim-Again, know the laws in your parish and avoid anything criminal.

39. Send fake STD results

40. Knock on your neighbors door and ask them why the swat team was at their house earlier. (make sure they were gone)

41. Knock on your neighbors door and ask them about the strange animal noises coming from their house at noon.

42.  STILL COMING UP WITH MORE!!!!

More to come, but this is a good start. I WOULD LOVE to see your videos or hear your stories pertaining to these specific pranks!!!!

Live Spherically!

Hotel Pictures Added (FINALLY!)

Image via Wikipedia

I thought I should add a few pictures from the trip to Denton, Texas.
I of course went with my mother, who went to attend a two-day seminar for her job.
I spent most of the vacation in an alcoholic haze and walking around the hotel. Don't you dare judge me! LOL

She is a hard woman for me to get along with. Always has been- I haven't lived with her since I was twelve. In fact after I moved to Texas, from ages 12 to 14 I live with my mother on two separate occasions equaling approximately 6 months, give or take a few. All of that is neither here nor there, other than to convey that I have a very difficult time just being in her presence and from that description, I contrive my excuse for two discrepancies. 1.) the previously stated alcoholic haze and 2.) few pictures.



This picture was taken at a rest-stop somewhere along the way.



This is located on the north side of the hotel.




The lobby



Room Service!!!

That is all I have taken from the camera thus far. I am working on getting a video going as well.

That shall conclude this entry. Live Spherically

No sure way to beat the heat

Another miserably hot day here on the High Plains of Texas! I think the high for today was predicted to be 95F but honestly, after 85F why use numbers? It's just fecking hot to the Umpth Degree. Considering it was so incredibly hot it is safe for you all to assume I spent the day in of doors. I stepped out for less than ten minutes earlier with the pommy dogs, it seems my neighbor has lost his hammer in my backyard--although, I can't find it. He keeps asking me to get it for him and... I don't know what to do. It's not as if I am smuggling his damn hammer or holding it for ransom but for three days he has continually insisted that he knows it is there. We have a large unfriendly dog in the back-yard or I would have already suggested he go get it himself...after some consideration, I believe I will tell him he can try his luck. If he is on my property, in my fenced back-yard, am I still responsible for an attack? (I shall Google it!)

Beyond that, my day was fairly uneventful thus far, of course it is only 4:00pm-ish. I hung curtains, rather sloppily, as it were. but when you consider they aren't really curtains but rather sheer, animal-print, fabric hung by thumbtacks and not curtain rods... well, I don't care. They aren't even there because the go with the decor it is just so HOT I need a sun blocker- the blinds simply aren't enough. I give it three days before I rip them down. At this rate, it will be a miracle if they make it til midnight.

I think I will go take a shower, true blood is coming on in a few hours...you know I can't miss that!

I need to ponder a few things as well, don't be shocked to find me back here typing nonsense to a blank screen in the next few hours.

Live Spherically!