I have come to learn that English Biologist Richard Dawkins, was correct in saying we are "Survival Machines". It seems that no matter what is thrown at us, we have the ability to rise above, and slough it off. I find so many times in my life where I can recall people insisting that very point. I can even say there was a time when it came easier to me. Surprisingly after four 1/2 years of methamphetamine sobriety, I am only now realizing the effects it actually had on me, it numbed everything, I felt nothing, and that alone was the source of my resiliency. I felt so strong, so capable...so willing. Yet, here I am at 3:00am once again, trying to figure a few things out.
I discovered, that I am a deeply emotional person. A person whose feelings are easily hurt and the only skill I obtained in my youth is the ability to pretend or display lack of emotion. I am sure for any random person who has no idea who I am, or where I came from...this is obscure; but I tell ya, I was once one of the most callus women you'd ever come across. I was cold, cruel, and quite honestly a complete narcissist who suffered no consequence because I was too indifferent to give a damn for the repercussions. This is not bragging, I hope you realize, merely a plain and simple truth.
When you spend your entire life, being that person, I find that the people around you tend not to let you change and that you are suddenly and repetitively held accountable for every single ill word, ill deed, and mishap. Every ounce of poor judgment (on my part) becomes the forefront and I find it hindering my desires to be a better person on the "true path" of life.
Which leads me to, yes, what comes around goes around. I feel fucked, Karmically FUCKED!
Yes, we really do reap what we sow, and by my calculations, by the time I am 45 I should be at a more peaceful state. The downfall is, I am ready to enter the "quiet" phase of my life. Oh, but I am tangled up in some poorly woven web and I don't exactly know who or what I want anymore. Again, another one of those "human conditions". Perhaps, this would be easier on me if I hadn't had such a grandiose sense of self in the previous years? I think the drug and alcohol abuse that started as a pre-teen paved the way for this erratic behavior...but let me tell ya, I AM SO OVER IT!
As always, Live Sphereically!
Click here to see what I was listening to when I wrote this one!
It feels like such a long time since I last saw you. I know it's only been a few months, but it feels like an eternity since you last showed your face. I have to say, I had a wonderful summer, and I pray this letter finds you in high spirits!
