Monday, August 29, 2011

Today, Cousins...I declare a day of reflection; a day to relive the past, a day for soul searching. A much needed activity...for most of us. For how can we decide where we are going, if we've only a vague idea of where we have been?

It is not just enough to know the things we've lived through, we must come to terms with them. We absolutely must bury the hatchets, and really sift through each "turning point" or "key" moment that really defined us.

Questions surface...:

Was it worth it?

Did I learn anything?

Did it bring me closer to God?

Do I regret it?

What could I have done differently?

I challenge you to pick a subject in life...a genuine issue and ask these questions.
Don't give the obvious, quick answer. Spend your time in the shower, on the drive to work, or any absolute alone time and really contemplate. I myself am doing this.


What I have learned... is I have put to much stock in that stew. I spent years being angry over things that no one can control. I have had to let go of the deepest roots I've had. So many things that defined me, or made me from where I was from, or things I have lived thru...and I want a new me. To achieve that, I really must dig and make way for new roots.
Sure, the soil is rocky and devoid of water...but if I just keep digging, I will crack the surface to richness. I don't want to be a new plant altogether, I just want cleaner root-stalk.

I am bouncing around today, I feel completely flooded with thought and emotion and this damn incessant need to write. I am tired of these overpowering thoughts, and I am tired of locking it away with the many things I leave left unsaid. I don't care who reads it, I just need to purge. -- My heart aches, but not with hopelessness. It aches in fear of whats to come. My soul is screaming but not because I am lost nor wounded, it screams with apprehension. I have no idea where I am going...I have no idea what the future has in store for me. I am so close to graduating and I have no idea what I am doing with that. 900hrs have passed I am done at 1500hrs. I have no vehicle, I will have to wait up to six weeks after I graduate to get my license, but I have to be out after I graduate. No money, and no where to go. I am trying. It is too much too fast, and I am starving. I haven't eaten in days, there is no food. I can make this, I can do it without help...but it is getting so hard.

I won't give up. I refuse to. I will walk out with my dignity.
I can't write anymore
I am too tired, and there is too much to say.

Live Spherically!

Monday, August 8, 2011

You can't keep a good dog down

Thus far, the day has been much like any other day...I awoke to the sound of dogs fighting and barking, eager for their breakfast...and as always the thankfulness that always seems to cross my brow as I awake yet again, to live another day.

I realize my last blog was January 9, 2011 and the new year was not looking very bright. I made the statement in my last blog that,:

"All this time I've been waiting for something to land in my lap, or praying I'd win the cosmic lottery."

Much more like the Cosmetic lottery! I am thriving in the face of trepidation and I feel like I am going to make it. Whether or not I am counting my eggs before they hatch; well that remains to be unseen. Only, I know in the deepest, most light deprived corners tucked inside myself that I cannot allow myself to think, nor see myself as anything but rising to greater things.

There have been so many obstacles, such rough and rugged terrain to this point, and cousins, I am just going to be happy anyway! Even while I am juggling school, career, a thirteen year relationship disintegrated, no vehicle, no washing machine, no place to live...

I take comfort in the fact that I am not helpless, there are a great many things I can do. I have been frustrated, and I am scared,...but all is not lost.

I think my greatest hardship is coming to terms with the fact that I am on my own, and there is no one I can depend on but myself. Something I said, and knew as sure as I know I have arms and legs...but actually never felt. I have always had a backup plan. Somehow, over the years he became my back-up plan, and now he just isn't there. I waited so long for the bottom to drop out, that when it finally just seemed to fit, and make sense. I don't even feel like the joke is on me, should I? Well is what it is. I can accept that, and move on; or use it as another excuse to sit idly in an alcoholic haze for 15 years. I choose life.

But its OK. I have learned that in the face of fear, you have to take the first three steps forward. Be afraid, but do it anyway. I refuse to let something as trivial as dread and panic hold me back from what may come. I may very well land on my ass, and end up in a box but at least I can look back and say I tried, and I fought and I gave everything I had to accomplish these goals.

I live from one roller-coaster of emotions to the next. I am either insanely happy, or insanely depressed. I don't know... this time it just feels different. I actually feel like I have made the conscious choice of life.

My mother is always telling me and I QUOTE!!!! (Mothers. *sigh*): "Everyday we have a choice, to do what we know it right, and to do what we know is wrong...but happiness, true happiness should always be our guide, and we may fail, in fact at times it is inevitable but make sure you can live with the choices you make, and find happiness and understanding in both."

While I will never know the opposite side of my choices, I've made them, and it led me here. Instead of dropping anchor and assuming failure...I am walking further ahead than I ever have before, and I am making plans and I am setting goals.
I've never done that consciously before, it really is new territory for me. No matter how simple minded it may seem to some, I recognize that I am doing more than walking forward, I am taking great leaps and I am trusting the unpaved path will lead me to blacktop once again and I am going to be alright. I am going to wake up each morning and remind myself to breath until I no longer need the reminder.

What's the old addage, "You can't keep a good dog down" ?

Live Spherically!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Goodbye 2010-Hello 2011

Today is a day for touching base, a day for updates, a day for enlightenment and realization...Today is a day for a new damn blog.

It is officially 2011, in fact we are 9 days into the new year, nine hopeful days into a new genesis. To say the least, last year didn't seem to fair to well for me, but when I think about it, it was really rather a rough year for most people I know. I cannot even begin to calculate how many people I heard say, "It couldn't possibly get any worse" as we ushered in this new epoch. At any rate, when that ball dropped in Time Square it certainly did so with a reverberating BANG!

Recounting 2010...well that would be one long and pitifully depressing blog, so lets just go with a few basics, shall we? I was kicked out of my home of twelve years and spent the better half of the year in an alcoholic miasma; mostly trying to mask the fact that I was deeply depressed and wholly unmotivated. However, truth be told the latter spans back far further than 2010.

Surprisingly, as I scan over the whole of last year and recount the god awful spiralling, it suddenly doesn't seem to be completely unfruitful. In fact, I have taken a few steps towards personal improvement. I am now enrolled in school and will be attending the Milan Institute of Cosmetology...Not exactly what I had planned for my life, but when I really think about it, I never really planned anything other than "live fast, die young". I admit I feel like a little bit of a sell-out but in turn I understand and accept that this decision is a wonderful step into action.

I will be the first to tell you that I waste time more than anyone with half the motivation.
For twenty years or more, I have always depended on "tomorrow", but I abruptly have come to consciousness, and understand that "tomorrow" is never and can never be guaranteed.

I have always said that I have one life to live, and I intend to do just that; but as I have been doing all this "living"...I have essentially been broke, miserable, drunk and lonely.
Well cousins, that just "Ain't" livin'. It boils down to exsisting, and I want ever so much more than waking up and breathing day in and day out.

All this time I've been waiting for something to land in my lap, or praying I'd win the cosmic lottery. I now grasp that you have to earn good karma; you have to work hard for anything worth having. So there it is, I intend to work...and I intend to strive for new ideals and visualize my goals. No more being idle.

And there you have it, a newly added blog. Wish me luck, cross your fingers, say the rosary and as always...Live Spherically!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Music, A few beers and BLECH!!

I have no idea where my inspiration has gone. I am at a complete loss of words. How many times can One repeat themselves before they just come to the realization that no one is really listening. I can write all day long but the fact is that no one cares. And that is fine, I suppose. -- All this bullshit is winding down, I have entered a tunnel, once I could see the light at the end--but now I realize I entered a cave. It was only a spark...a spark of insanity, no doubt. Amazing how insanity can seem to illuminate even the darkest corners, at times. But at the end of the is still just insanity and there is nothing to glorify there. Even now... as I type at a hurried pace, to keep my fingers busy--I have nothing to say. I could comment on a million different things, I could hurl my thoughts and feelings about the current situation and it will only bounce off rubber walls and no one would quite understand my state of mind. I could tell you all my sob stories, I am sure I could drag up those beautiful descriptions to explain the depth of my sorrows, fears, worries, and other such words but the fact is that there is no graciousness and no "walking away with dignity" in those words...and even then, I am sure it would still not be understood quite how I would have meant it to be conveyed. There is nothing inspiring about reading through a womans' tale of despair; and I am quite sure no one wants to watch me dig a deeper hole.

Strive to Live Spherically!


I do have positive News--- I am enrolled in school. Thats right, I am almost 30 and I am going back to school. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Thanksgiving, Arrests, Bonds, Getting Fucked Over---Oh My!

Well would you believe I survived The Holiday? That's right I definably did--To think I threw the most god awful inner tormenting fit ever and then shockingly had a pleasant time visiting with my family. Drew Drops went with me and we stayed for about three hours and laughed and just enjoyed ourselves. -- The real torture came later AHHH!!! What an on-going night-mare!

So here's the skinny: As is our tradition after our turkey dinner, we went to the bar. Drew got drunk, I walked him to the car, helped him in, told him I was finishing my drinks with Katie (My little Sister) He told me it was no problem he would be there... well 10-15 minutes later and Officer came in and proceeded to lash out in the most rudest of manners. Demanding to know ho owns the "BLUE Hyundai" and he wants to know NOW!? To which the people at the table replied, "No one here" --because the car is SILVER for one. (real observant of him huh?) He looks directly at me, tells me I thought you might like to know "He" is going to jail. I immediately stand up and ask excuse me... But uh, WHY exactly???

He tells me "well it looks like he is burglarizing a vehicle I KNOW he doesn't and couldn't possibly own."(profiling and a bit presumptuous??) So my little sister chimes in with "well look if you are talking about the silver Hyundai, he has permission to be in there, that's my car." THEN this guy says, "well he is getting a P.I." to which I say..."He is in the car, that is private property, and furthermore it is parked on private property." The cop huffs at me... and THEN, FUCKING THEN, get this... Changes his story again and says LITERALLY: "Well, Uh...he ran from me." To which I reply quite rudely "1. How many times are you going to change your story and 2. I just had to help him out to the car and there is no way he was running anywhere but to the backseat because the dude can't even walk." This prick of a fucking cop- loses his shit, jumps in my face and tells me that I need to zip my lip and quit sassing him if I don't want to go to jail right beside him. So I ask him what he would charge me with... asking questions and disputing an officers integrity?- Cop flips again, walks out the side door of the bar--hauls Boo Diddly away.

I call the bond people IMMEDIATELY--they tell me it is a ticket-able offense of 350.00 to bail him would cost a total of 500.00 so I should just let him sit it out until 8am when the judge shows up for arraignments and he can plead no contest, sign a piece of paper and come home--I don't like it, but that is what I did.

So now, this is Thursday night...Friday, the judge decided not to come in because it was a holiday so still he sits--Saturday...I call and ask "Just exactly what are his charges" They tell me just a simple P.I. nothing else. So I ask ok, why is he not out then?? They can tell me nothing blah blah blah, snore.

Come Sunday, I had E-FUCKING-NUFF --I call a bondsman, toss up a 600.00 camera for collateral and have him bailed out. (which is a story in itself, UHHH!) So he Finally get's bonded out Early Sunday morning at 4:00am
The bonds-lady tells me, we need to come in Monday before five and set up payment arrangements. Sure thing No worries.

So here it is Monday morning I am up at 8am -take a shower, pull every trick in the book to get him up and finally we are off the Bail office...she follows us to the police station so she can witness that we've set up an arrangement. As the lady is looking up he name she made a "Ooo" sound and this was NOT a good "Ooo". It was a squinty eye, wrinkly nose "Ooo". So I ask her whats up... she says well he has a capias warrant -- so we explained that he just did 4 days and he should get those days as a credit for the previous September P.I. he copped. She says No, it is not showing that he laid it out. So then we say ok, then it is towards this new "Thanksgiving" P.I, and the bond is null and void. No, she says.

Ok people, you CANNOT--DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME!?-CANNOT bond out of jail with a capias warrant in the state of Texas. I tell the bond-chick this and she says well i know... if I knew there was a warrant, I wouldn't have bonded him out. Tpo which I reply, there is no way you would have know... As soon as you handed the bond over to the jailer and she ran it through the computer, it would have showed up!!! and he COULD NOT have bonded out. They agree with me, yet he was still put in handcuffs less than 24hrs after he was bonded out! to sit for another 3 days on the old September P.I. warrant issue. -- Yet I still owe the bondsman $125.00 plus the ticket for $350.00 if the $125.00 goes unpaid, they revoke the bond.
And the five days he just spend in jail on this new charge are just...sort of missing. FUCKING A NUTS (and just a little Chintzy, I might add) right?!

Now let me tell you why... In school a friend of Drew's used to pick on said officer and beat the hell out of him on several occasions so now that he is a cop he has turned into a badge bully and uses his authority to do as he damn well pleases. Come to find out this local officer has had other charges brought up against him for very similar actions. His behavior was LESS than becoming of an officer the night he was initially arrested.

Furthermore, I have had dealings with the police in this town since I was 12 years old and there have been times where I acted a damn fool around them-scream, holler and cuss and quite honestly would have deserved to have been told to shut the hell up but not once has an officer ever treated me like this officer did.

And to cut this short before I drive myself bat-shit crazy ... I am appalled, disgusted, furious, upset and would love nothing more than to fight this charge, and have something done about this poser cop.

On that note...I shall close this one.
Live Spherically!!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Holiday Kicking and Screaming

Well... it is the eve before Thanksgiving and I am feeling more withdrawn than ever. I know I should be excited to eat and see family but I am just not feeling it.
I am going to suck it up...of course. But I am silently being drug kicking and screaming. I plan to sneak my drink and stay in a state of haze!

I wish well for everyone else-enjoy your families and your meals!
Be Blessed and Live Spherically!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Writing & The Insatible Need For Ramblings

One must consider the day of the week before embarking on a particular type of "blog post". We can't have any messages of dismay; anything to despairing or cynical would be a bit too much for Wednesday. Not too mention, I am still on some intensifying emotional high, that has left me in the most brilliant of moods for the last week or two.

I hate to say it... but when it's going bad, it is a most gruesome low; yet when things are going well, I get this insatiable thirst for laughter, friendship & kindred among many other things...but ultimately is a most sensational high!

Now, where might I be going with all this? You know something...I haven't a single clue. I woke up, ate leftovers, watched a movie, took a shower, and we went to the library...I suddenly, whilst standing amongst the books...had this driving urge to come home and write. I have no real direction, or anything in particular to say but most of you that know me, know when it comes to my writing, whether or not I know what I want say... tend to believe that when you get the have to just sit down and say it. "A writer always writes because it is all they want to do." I believe Science Fiction Author, Ray Bradbury said that. I expect that couldn't be more true for anyone who fancies themselves a writer.

I think I encourage people to write as much as I do because of my simple belief that if it is in your head, and it flows forth from your fingers; no matter how irrelevant it may sound to you there is a reason the words you chose, came to mind, and therefore have a right to be in the world. Whether it be for your peace of mind, or for a million others who may run into it. I literally believe that there are no coincidences when it comes to writing. I suppose my theories are akin to what some might consider automatic writing. If you think about it, it is actually quite similar; I wouldn't necessarily say it is trance-like...However, when you sit down and begin to type or write with nothing particularly in mind, you have to agree that your mind is not exactly in a conscious state-you are essentially rambling until it all begins to make sense.

While that particular brand of sophistication and enlightenment may not be found on this blog page today, I must admit rather freely that I feel somewhat accomplished and have a sense of well-being. I suddenly know that I was able to coax myself, once again, into a more sound state of satisfaction.

I suppose that will be a never ending battle I will face with chronic depression, and chronic refusal to take pills to make myself well. I prefer to talk to my depression and persistent pain associated with my Parkinson's. The roller coaster of emotion, up and downs that have a tendency to spiral out of control if I don't get them in check. I've said it once, I will say it a thousand times: "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Point of that? To affirm why exactly, I need to always keep myself in check.

I refuse to follow in those foot-steps...and I scare myself when I get that low. My mind starts drifting and yes, again. I scare myself. Although I once read that if it is something you are afraid of, isn't something you ever really need to worry about because subconsciously you know where you stand on the subject/issue.
I happen to chose to believe makes perfect sense.

Moving on, have a happy and fulfilling Wednesday everyone!
Live Spherically!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Goodbye Bad Attitude-Hello Optimism

I woke up this morning thinking, "oh hell, I wish I could sleep until 2:00pm".
I have to go to work at 1, the new puppy is a handful, I ran out of fruit to put in my cottage cheese, I need a shower, have to wash my hair, shave my legs and drink the largest cup of coffee I can find! After starting off the morning in a grumble and my best "oh hell" attitude...I got to thinking what a horrible way to start off a potentially wonderful day...

I couldn't find a single thing to be optimistic about and then I found some money I thought I had lost for good, which reminded me I get paid some cash today...

Then I thought about how he is sleeping less than four feet away and how much I have enjoyed him being here. I thought about how it is never a dull moment when he is around and how I am always smiling, giggling and laughing in his presence.

Suddenly, I am thinking if I could just shake this tired, lethargic feeling that I just KNOW it is going to be a great day!

May you all have a wonderful day. Live spherically!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Finding My Happiness

First of all, I think a "Blog Update" is certainly overdue. I have been tossing around what exactly I wanted to blog about... I could go on giving updates and incite into my current situation, describing endlessly how things have vastly improved, and ramble about how proud I am of the measure of kindness that has recently been bestowed upon me... but then i thought.. NAH!

I don't quite have the words for that at the present and I am not so sure I want to spend a few hours with paper and pen tracing on old lines of elegance. Instead, I got to thinking about Happiness and what value it has to me. I am not a person who has ever thought about happiness directly, only knew, or thought I knew that I'd never been happy...How's that for a farce? I think one of the worst things a person can tell themselves is that happiness doesn't exist. I came across a blog here awhile back, and it sort of opened my eyes, reminding me that happiness isn't getting everything you ever wanted, and it is certainly not money, fame, or fortune. While all of those things may be nice...Most of us are here in the real, average, blue collar world.

For someone like myself who grew up in what I would categorize an "abusive" home for many different and currently irrelevant reasons, I can honestly say that I am not so sure that I had a basis or any real understanding of what exactly happiness was...

Most everything I've ever learned has been self-taught, rarely attending school, and when I did I bounced from so many grade level extremes (in both directions) that I was much more content to sit back with my books on all manner of subject and learn by myself. I threw myself into psychology, philosophy, art, photography, and have a love/thirst for knowledge in general and that holds true down to the simplest of things, including human emotion, which for years I had no clue how to relate it to myself and others.

So if happiness is NOT getting everything I ever wanted, then what is the basis for happiness? Is it looking into your past and trying to find something amidst the chaos...I suppose I could come up with one or two favorite memories, sure...but sifting through all the negative just to come up with one shred of happiness, only pulls me back and the negative always seems to outweigh the positive...thereby completely destroying the reasons I ever started searching.

I began to look at it as a "Here and Now" sort of thing, because as we all know, you just can't change the past no matter what you why should I dwell, I need to create new ideas, ways and methods for happiness...and with that in mind I have assembled a list of what really makes me happy or puts a smile on my face.

In no particular order, no one thing out-ranks another:

~ Hearing a baby laugh for the first time

~ Having a ladybug land on me or finding one unexpectedly

~ Finding a penny on the ground (heads up of course)

~ The smell of gingerbread baking

~ Thinking of my grandmothers' laughter until I can almost hear it

~ Standing in the rain with my face and hands pointed skyward

~ The scent of a coming rain, or shortly thereafter

~ Sitting in the room ( no matter how close or how far apart) from the man I truly love

~ Homemade pumpkin rolls

~ Being around my sisters after many months, and reminiscing.

~ Holding a baby for the first time in years

~ That first glass of ice water after a long night out drinking

~ Being asked to dance by a handsome stranger (whether I say no or not)

~ Waking up on Christmas and seeing a blanket of snow when it was not predicted

~ Receiving an unexpected compliment when least expected

~ Finding a bra that fits just right

~ Opening the Bible at random, reading the first passage and realizing you needed to hear it

~ Watching comedians on HBO with my friends

~ Test driving a new car and enjoying the smell more than the car

~Hot bubble baths with lavender

~ Hearing a song that was popular when I was a child

~ Running into old friends and finding out they are doing really well

~ Standing on the beach, closing my eyes and listening to the waves crash

~ The feel of new socks

~ Realizing I am NOT out of Q-tips after-all!

~ His arms

~ Tiger Lilies

~ Finally finishing a piece of art I have worked on for months

~ The first sip of whiskey after a long hard days work

~ Honeysuckles

~ Seeing a hummingbird fly past my window

Of course there are many more...I intend to keep looking for the small things and as they happen, I will keep writing them down.

I personally feel like this is a tiny step in the direction of where I want to be headed...Stay tuned and Live Spherically!!!


Monday, October 11, 2010

I woke up ALONE

For two weeks now, it's been the two of us. No fighting, no arguing, nothing ill or tormenting. We laughed, talked, cracked all the good jokes and fuck have we been full of them...The people around us noticed the change, said it was about time we evened out and we giggled as they got sick of our games. We both know, they just don't "play" right.

You held & kissed my hands, sat on my feet when they were cold, popped my toes, rubbed my neck, brushed my hair out of my eyes, turned other women down, shared a bed with me every single night and spent your every waking moments with me. In a way, you've given me the best gift you could have; peace. Thank you for that.

Last night, I couldn't get comfortable. Our usual bed was occupied and we tried to share a single...I had to go home and I think you got quite offended that I was "leaving" you. The look on your face, sheer disappointment. The I know you have put that look on my face more than once and I doubt you batted an eye, myself on the other hand...felt so guilty over something I considered so trivial.

I watched you snap up, throw on your clothes and shoes...I offered you a ride and you refused it. I asked if you were angry, and you gave me that look again and walked away, leaving me standing there in the cold misty morning, barefoot and confused. I didn't realize you suddenly couldn't be without me, I didn't recognize that change over.

I came home at 4:30am, to an empty house. I woke up freezing for the first time in two weeks. I woke up for the first time in years feeling utterly alone.
I immediately thought of this song and began to sing it, and I miss you today. I am writing this now, with my door open, hoping you'll walk up like you have every day. I am looking for that knowing and content goofy grin I have seen as of late. I am smoking my cigarette, and longing for my favorite chess partner. But, through the repetition of our relationship I have learned that it will be days before I see or hear from you again. For some reason what you confuse with rejection deems you cowardly for a few days. And now, after reading this, and considering the past few months...I suddenly don't feel so guilty...but, I still woke up alone.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Letter to the Lady Hope

Dear Hope,
It feels like such a long time since I last saw you. I know it's only been a few months, but it feels like an eternity since you last showed your face. I have to say, I had a wonderful summer, and I pray this letter finds you in high spirits!
    I spend all my weekends at the bar. I am getting a nice neon tan and you can no longer say I am paler than you. I have been exploring lots of new ideas, such as, juggling, balancing, and building a nice collection of sea shells. Just this past weekend I took second place in a sandcastle building contest! 

It seems I have landed myself a job! I drive a mobile poetry truck around and sell immorality to the polished aristocrat. It is so cool. It is a combination of the two things I love most, limericks and malfeasance. The pay isn't too great but I love the job so much. 

I hope the summer went quite well for you too. There's only a few months left in two-thousand and ten and after that it's back to reality and resolutions. Would you like to meet up some time before the New Year?

Your friend,
Ms. Monika A. Mock

Monday, September 13, 2010

How Utterly Befitting

so considering all that has taken place between a certain someone and myself for the last 16 years...only for that last two days to have taken place...well lets just say I stumbled upon this and it is UNCANNY how closely the words and emotions are.
I had to share it.

Live Spherically!


I have come to learn that English Biologist Richard Dawkins, was correct in saying we are "Survival Machines". It seems that no matter what is thrown at us, we have the ability to rise above, and slough it off. I find so many times in my life where I can recall people insisting that very point. I can even say there was a time when it came easier to me. Surprisingly after four 1/2 years of methamphetamine sobriety, I am only now realizing the effects it actually had on me, it numbed everything, I felt nothing, and that alone was the source of my resiliency. I felt so strong, so willing. Yet, here I am at 3:00am once again, trying to figure a few things out.

I discovered, that I am a deeply emotional person. A person whose feelings are easily hurt and the only skill I obtained in my youth is the ability to pretend or display lack of emotion. I am sure for any random person who has no idea who I am, or where I came from...this is obscure; but I tell ya, I was once one of the most callus women you'd ever come across. I was cold, cruel, and quite honestly a complete narcissist who suffered no consequence because I was too indifferent to give a damn for the repercussions. This is not bragging, I hope you realize, merely a plain and simple truth.

When you spend your entire life, being that person, I find that the people around you tend not to let you change and that you are suddenly and repetitively held accountable for every single ill word, ill deed, and mishap. Every ounce of poor judgment (on my part) becomes the forefront and I find it hindering my desires to be a better person on the "true path" of life.

Which leads me to, yes, what comes around goes around. I feel fucked, Karmically FUCKED!
Yes, we really do reap what we sow, and by my calculations, by the time I am 45 I should be at a more peaceful state. The downfall is, I am ready to enter the "quiet" phase of my life. Oh, but I am tangled up in some poorly woven web and I don't exactly know who or what I want anymore. Again, another one of those "human conditions". Perhaps, this would be easier on me if I hadn't had such a grandiose sense of self in the previous years? I think the drug and alcohol abuse that started as a pre-teen paved the way for this erratic behavior...but let me tell ya, I AM SO OVER IT!

As always, Live Sphereically!

Click here to see what I was listening to when I wrote this one!

Monday, September 6, 2010


WijsvingerImage via Wikipedia
It is 4am, and I just cannot sleep. My mind is heavy, but i can't quite suss out the problem. I feel like I am missing something, something that belongs to me... but if you'd ask me to be more specific, I am quite sure I couldn't. I am lost somehow, and my heart is hurting. Every bone in my body aches, my head is pounding, my joints are on fire. I feel confused, I feel...sober. ...I feel.  I have this incredible desire to phone a friend, and obtain a verbal hug. I need a real hug. I need someone to hold me and tell me everything is alright. I long for someone to stroke the hair from cheek, as I lay on my side, in silence. I want someone to rub my back, or twist my hair around their index finger as I drift off to sleep. I want to smile in strong, soothing arms...but is 4am and all the world is sleeping, as I should be. But this damned old lifeless heart is hurting, and these brittle bones are aching.

Click here to see what I was listening to when I wrote this!
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Sunday, August 29, 2010

I Alone... Well Then Again, No.

"Oh Monika, I wish you could get yourself sorted, well what I really mean is...I wish you could get yourself Sober" -- A sentence, I am sure many people have said to or of me.

For some reason, I have been in fantasy land the last two months. I would love to be able to say... I am exaggerating... But I have so many questions, thoughts, and animosities that it would seem I have been avoiding them entirely by drinking myself into an oblivion whilst fantasizing that a man, perhaps the only man I have ever loved for God knows what reasons... loves me back. I will always be the first person to say, " Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you the best way they know how." -- Well, I think I am just tired of the games, of the "L" word, the endless conversations and the fruitlessness that surely follows. Yet again, I am just not satisfied until I exhaust every encounter. The minute things are going straight, and I am smiling, the "blanket party" starts. I find myself in the most interesting position a woman can be in, one that I can honestly say is unfamiliar territory to me, even at twenty-seven years old. I find myself tangled and rearranged by love. I caught myself contorting The Self, to become what he wanted.

I suppose it sounds absurd, and perhaps it is. . . But I never wanted love, my entire life I strayed from it, took preventative measures, and went so far as to completely shut down my relationships... only now can I admit it is Fear, plain and simple. I can also admit that I had a preconceived notion of what Love can do to a person...I just didn't realize that my parents were the atypical example.

I have these dreams, ...I call them "Larger than Life" dreams. But in the grand scheme of things, I am only wishing for the same things everybody else does. I see myself happy, smiling in a front yard of a house that I am buying watching my children play. Little girls with long curly brown hair and eyes as blue as the ocean. It sounds attainable enough for a woman who has been in a relationship for 12 years..but nothing comes simple , and I am sure these is a price to pay for happiness...but at what cost, and what currency?

There seems to be so much foolishness in folly in my life at the moment...I feel literal spiraling and unraveling.
Then I take a step back, take a deep breath and say to myself "now, that wasn't really so bad, now was it?"
Right back to point A. Again, all I can say is... such is life cousins, such is life.

Live Spherically!

Saturday, August 21, 2010


What an insane week I've had...I have certainly been busy, therefore neglecting my blog. I spent last weekend out at the lake with some friends (I have posted a few videos on Beyond, that it has really been a whirlwind of events, my dog and my grandfather died on the same day. My little sister and her children flew in for the services. It was a beautiful service, including flag detail and a 21 gun salute. I have been spending an unreasonable amount of time with my friends--drinking. I've been over-sighting my house, vehicle, phone calls, and basic nourishment. I think it may have caught up with me today however. I am coughing, and my nose is leaking profusely. I woke up starving and so thirsty...I am almost sure I drank enough water for three people today. It seems at some point last night, during the chaos of the mini private party I have done something to my back. It feels like a pinched nerve, same spot that always affects me...Coughing is extra fun! I have to brace myself before I can cough up a lung.

I've also been reading today...Franz Kafka as a matter of fact. And I intend to leave you a quote as follows:

"No one is capable of spending all his days and nights keeping watch over the hunger artist,  therefore no one person could be absolutely certain from firsthand knowledge that the fast had truly been constant and flawless; only the hunger artist himself could know that, and so at the same time only he could be a satisfied spectator of his own fast."

Live Spherically !

Click here to see what I was listening to as I wrote this!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Chamber of Sorrows / A Prayer for the dying

Music exists to say things words cannot say. To cry for you, when your tears are dry, a chance to let the soul weep; Which is why, it is not entirely human. Music is not for kings and perhaps you think music is for God, but you are wrong, God can speak. For the ear perhaps?  Yet, things I cannot speak, are not for the ear. For gold, for glory, for silence?  Yet, Silence is only the opposite of language. Rival musicians? Love? Sorrows of love? Wantonness? A wafer for the unknown? But what is a wafer? You can see it, taste it. It is nothing. Do you give up?

One must leave a drink for the dead. A refreshment for those who've run out of words. For lost childhoods... To muffle the stammering of drunken laborers, to silence the tantrums of an emotionally distant mother... For the time before we were born, before we breathed, or saw light. That alone, is Musics' true importance.

I will eventually die, and my brand of art and whimsy will die with me. My ideals, my dreams, my passions, my loves...but Music, especially Music designed to wake, lasts forever. Even when forever, seems too long.
And so I will leaved you an air to wake the dead. As it is commonly believed to do so.
Thus I give you "The Chamber of Sorrows"- who so few have enough ear to really listen.

If I were to live to be one thousand year old, I believe my wish would be that every person I know and care about could or would be able to listen to the Tomb of Sorrows and have more to say than, "That's beautiful". Of course it is beautiful. But why is it beautiful. Did it bring tears to your eyes, did your body catch up with the wailing of your soul? More importantly, do you feel that deeply?

Good Ol' Fashioned Thursday Night Tire Slashing

The day is Thursday, August 5th, 2010. A male friend calls, and demands I come out to one of the smaller local bars. I hem, I haw, I agree. I walk up the bar, (about 7 blocks away) around 4:30pm. The alcohol is coming at a steady flow, there is laughter, joking and dancing; yes, I said dancing! In walks someone, a male friend I have had ten months to move on from and swore I didn't care and I hated him, etc...Long story, short...I started slamming drinks, an obscene amount of liquor. At which time, I decide it would be a far better decision to relocate to another bar. However, as soon as it was noticed that I was absent, said "male friend" shows up to the other bar looking for me. Of course, bringing the "riff Raff". Lo and behold, a fight ensues and all hell breaks loose in the bar, bottles are flying, knives come out, and punches are flying, I am wrangling Goat and dodging punches and flying pool cues. The Bar-tender comes out with a bat and starts cracking the other party in the head, punching an older lady and chucking her across the dance floor...and after about 15 minutes of intense battle, the bar clears. Now, the building is metal and suddenly we hear banging, crashing,. popping and what I can tell you had a resemblance to an air-raid. It seems these out-of-towners from Houston, brought in by the Valero company went outside and slashed every fucking tire in the parking lot! Wouldn't be bad, but this is a relatively small town. Shit like that doesn't really happen here.

At any rate, this bar is is about 2 miles out-side of town, a long way to walk, drunk. The cops, S.O. and Rangers won't let anyone leave, they want statements from the 15 or so people still in the bar. Around 3:15 I decide I don't care and I want to go home, and my options are "walk". Now, it has just rained and we are way back on a dirt road and you have to walk down to go out to the highway.. It is muddy, slippery, and dark. I lost my shoes, misjudged the depth of a puddle, got a large chunk of broken beer bottle lodged in my foot and so many sticker thorns deep enough that it hurts me to walk three days later.

I get about quarter mile down the highway, a Sheriff stops and asks if everything is ok...I tell him I was just at the bar, tires are slashed and I am walking. I ask him for a ride, and he tells me he can't do that. Protect and serve my ass. He leaves. Another car stops, FINALLY, someone I happen to know. The bartenders husband! He picks us up, and goes right back to bar, so all of that , the brisk, drunken walk....yeah, for nothing! AND, I am right back where I started!. Out there for another thirty minutes answering questions. FINALLY, everyone is released, and we can go. Well, the guys car won't start, so myself, and two other guys are pushing this car to get it in position to get a jump, another puddle....yea, HA it looked ankle deep, pretty sure I was in this puddle up to my thigh, trying not to let this car roll back and run me over. Freezing cold, drunken success! So covered in mud, and freezing I finally made it home home at about 5:30am , with a headache and a major pain in my feet. I fell asleep on the living-room floor, woke up a few hours later and dug two pieces of glass about the size of a fifty cent piece and thought---Well, I wonder how far I really thought I was going to get.

Live Spherically people!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Practical Ideas for Pissing People Off.

Not exactly the most original post you will ever come across, I confess. However, it comes from a place that I think we've all been in. Don't you ever have those slow days when you can't think of anything on your own? All you know is someone pissed you off, and you HAVE to retaliate! ...But within reason. You find so many sites that give great ideas about retaliation or pranks but they are just too harsh, so all you do is laugh and think "what if?"  Well, I propose a list of ideas that will get the point across and keep you out of jail, won't break your "Prank Bank", and leaves you sitting back taking pleasure in the fact that you just screwed with someones' day.

Below you will find a list of ways to prank, annoy, or flat out PISS SOMEONE OFF!

Here are a few ways to use Super Glue to your advantage:

1. On a new roll of toilet paper, slide the glue tip about half way through the role and squeeze a few drops, you can do this at several points through-out the roll. The idea behind this is that when someone needs to use it, it will come off in tiny pieces and you essentially have to rip through the entire roll trying to get a long enough piece to finish the job, a real prankster would remove all other rolls from the bathroom.

2. Do you have a neighbor who steals the paper? you can do one of two things: a) sneak out extra early, and glue the bag the paper comes in to the sidewalk; as added entertainment, set up hidden video so you can post it and watch the neighbors 'struggle to hi-jack your paper. b) Using basically the same concept as the "Toilet-paper roll" a few random drops around the paper, so it tears as the "victim" tries to turn the pages.

3. Super-Glue someone's shoe laces. The idea behind this is, when someone slips off their sneakers without untying them, you place glue on the inner portion of the knot so they cannot untie the laces to put their shoes on. You could even tie them extra tight yourself, then gluing the inner portion of the knot. Watch as the "victim" struggles to untie their shoes!

4. Avid flip-flop wearer? Glue the entire shoe to the floor! As they attempt to slide in and slide off they basically trip, not realizing the shoes are stationary.

5. Bored at a local bar? Super Glue a quarter near your table, or on the dance floor and watch the drunk people fall, as they lean over and struggle to pick-up the quarter bait!

6. Office co-workers irritating you? Super Glue their mouse to the desk, make comments to other workers that you don't understand why they aren't pulling their weight around the office.

Other Fun Ideas:

1. Have a problem with co-workers stealing your lunch? Make a sandwich of Cat food, cayenne pepper, and raw fresh jalapeno's. It won't take too long to figure out who the thief is.

2. At the office water cooler, take several of the cups and use a tack to poke small holes in the bottoms of the cups and watch as the employees get water down the front of them,

3. Go to a local pet store and purchase $5.00 of live crickets, and place them in someones car. This would be best suited for a spouse or family member, unless your victim just happens to have their window down a crack. You don't want to get a B & E charge, so be careful not to do anything illegal.

4. Looking to really piss someone off? Get a hold of your victims' deodorant, slide a few toothpicks down into the product and smoothe over the holes. It may take a few day, but as soon as those sharp ends come to the surface it will most irritating to your victim!

5. Get a hold of the victims mouth-wash, replace it with white-vinegar and blue or green food-coloring.

6. Delete your victims' i-tunes library!

7. Coon urine is such a horrible smell- spray it in your victims' house, car, co-workers chair/desk, or pour some in the bottoms of their shoes! I swear this smell NEVER goes away, so be careful who you do this to, and remember stray from illegal activity- Putting Coon urine in someones' vehicle may be constituted as destruction of private property-Know the laws in your County.

8. Re-label all of your victims data Cd's with popular pornography titles. i.e Debbie Does Dallas

9. That towel hanging on the rack outside the shower, staple the back of it to the wall, so your victim is tugging and struggling to get it free so they can dry off. (great for a spousal or kid prank)

10. Husband wear tightie-whities? After he falls asleep, take red food coloring and squirt a few drops directly in the center of his back-side, when he wakes up he will flip-out! If you have one of those oblivious husbands...exclaim, "HONEY, whats  WRONG?!

11.Replace someones laundry detergent (powdered form) with a mixture of sand, starch, and a pkg. of powdered clothing dye (blue). Combine and distribute evenly so it appears to have the correct consistency. A real asshole would add itching powder.

12. Add half a bottle of Dawn's Dish-soap to The Cascade dishwasher detergent. This creates a mass amount of bubbles, so be careful to whom and where you decide to pull this prank.

13. Add two bottles of red food coloring to a carton of milk. -Looks a lot like blood and freaks people out. you could take a thermos to work and have your co-workers thinking you drink blood! (can you imagine your childrens' reaction if they thought mom and dad drank blood!)

14. get yourself a few boxes of gelatin (clear)  and pick a toilet (home, work, family or friends) make sure the toilet will not be in use for a few hours. When your victim(s) go to use the restroom, they get a splash. Note: it is difficult to get out of the toilet, you will have to scoop before you can flush, and you may have to scoop, add water. flush, repeat a few times before you can get rid of the jelly.

15. Take a piece of Saran-wrap and apply it tightly across a door jam at head, shoulder level. smear Karo syrup across it and watch as your victim walks right into it.

16. Smokers getting on your nerves? Take an eye-dropper and a bottle of Cinnamon extract(or any preference you may have) and place a drop in the area where the cigarette connects to the butt-completely ruins the flavor of their cigarettes. I have seen this done with Doe urine, but I am not sure exactly the health effects or the wisdom in this---you may want to do a little research.

17. Go down to a wreck yard, score a window from any car, (Cheap!) TAKE HOME and break in a tarp or towel with a hammer. Then roll down the victims car window, and scatter the glass around the area. If someone thinks their window is broken, no way they will try to roll it up! See how long you can keep this one going for- if they actually went down to have it replaced, can you imagine the look the laborers Face when he realizes there is a window in the car!?Sort of a P-I-F prank. Note: often times you can find glass in the road , eliminating the need for buying a  window.

18. Buy a quart of oil, and dump it under your victims vehicle so they think their car is leaking mass amounts of oil.

19. Get an eye dropper and mineral oil and get go after the eye-shadow and blush, place one or two drops in each color. This causes the make-up to stain the skin for a few days.

20. Really wanna be bad? Get pens that are specifically used for Henna, this ink stains the skin for weeks, sometimes months at a time. Be creative! Tattoos, words, art on the face neck arms back etc....

21. Shred up old clothes, get red food coloring, catchup, fake blood etc, and re-create a crime scene in your yard, neighbors yard etc. (USE RAW CHICKEN SKIN FOR TEXTURE)

22. Just want to be a jerk? switch all the movies in the DVD cases around.

23. In public restrooms: Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.

24. Get a game night going with your pals, play poker or craps, then pay them in monopoly cash. Claim you didn't know, you just assumed it was for fun.

25. Have a husband who has a lot of keys he uses at work? Replace all the keys with old keys to random shit, when he gets to work and can't use his keys, he'll be annoyed possibly even furious!

26. Get a can of sardines and drop bits of Sardines randomly and discreetly around an office, car, or home. SO smelly after a few days.

27. Send the boss love letters from a co-worker.
28. Take a permanent marker and draw clothing on all the models in the porno mags.

29. Use clear scotch tape and put it over the strip on all the victims credit cards- they won't work!

30. IN THE HUSBANDS WALLET- replace all the pictures with pictures of his ex and then get mad at him when you see them!

31. Put bleach in the spray and wash bottle. Stain remover! 

32. Discreetly open a new package of socks, snip the ends of and place them back in the package.
33. On a long sleeve shirt, just before the cuff, sew it closed so the victim cannot get his hands through the sleeves. 

34. If gifting a pair of jeans, sew the pockets and/or the zipper closed so they create a fun annoyance!

35. Cut a hold in the ass of every pair of panties/underwear.

36. Take old, skanky, dirty panties and hang them on your neighbors fence.

37. Address fake letters from the IRS to your victim claiming they are being audited.

38. Send fake court summons to your victim-Again, know the laws in your parish and avoid anything criminal.

39. Send fake STD results

40. Knock on your neighbors door and ask them why the swat team was at their house earlier. (make sure they were gone)

41. Knock on your neighbors door and ask them about the strange animal noises coming from their house at noon.


More to come, but this is a good start. I WOULD LOVE to see your videos or hear your stories pertaining to these specific pranks!!!!

Live Spherically!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Hotel Pictures Added (FINALLY!)

This map shows the incorporated areas in Dento...Image via Wikipedia
I thought I should add a few pictures from the trip to Denton, Texas.
I of course went with my mother, who went to attend a two-day seminar for her job.
I spent most of the vacation in an alcoholic haze and walking around the hotel. Don't you dare judge me! LOL

She is a hard woman for me to get along with. Always has been- I haven't lived with her since I was twelve. In fact after I moved to Texas, from ages 12 to 14 I live with my mother on two separate occasions equaling approximately 6 months, give or take a few. All of that is neither here nor there, other than to convey that I have a very difficult time just being in her presence and from that description, I contrive my excuse for two discrepancies. 1.) the previously stated alcoholic haze and 2.) few pictures.


This picture was taken at a rest-stop somewhere along the way.


This is located on the north side of the hotel.

Hotel Lobby

The lobby


Room Service!!!

That is all I have taken from the camera thus far. I am working on getting a video going as well.

That shall conclude this entry. Live Spherically

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Sunday, August 1, 2010

No sure way to beat the heat

Another miserably hot day here on the High Plains of Texas! I think the high for today was predicted to be 95F but honestly, after 85F why use numbers? It's just fecking hot to the Umpth Degree. Considering it was so incredibly hot it is safe for you all to assume I spent the day in of doors. I stepped out for less than ten minutes earlier with the pommy dogs, it seems my neighbor has lost his hammer in my backyard--although, I can't find it. He keeps asking me to get it for him and... I don't know what to do. It's not as if I am smuggling his damn hammer or holding it for ransom but for three days he has continually insisted that he knows it is there. We have a large unfriendly dog in the back-yard or I would have already suggested he go get it himself...after some consideration, I believe I will tell him he can try his luck. If he is on my property, in my fenced back-yard, am I still responsible for an attack? (I shall Google it!)

Beyond that, my day was fairly uneventful thus far, of course it is only 4:00pm-ish. I hung curtains, rather sloppily, as it were. but when you consider they aren't really curtains but rather sheer, animal-print, fabric hung by thumbtacks and not curtain rods... well, I don't care. They aren't even there because the go with the decor it is just so HOT I need a sun blocker- the blinds simply aren't enough. I give it three days before I rip them down. At this rate, it will be a miracle if they make it til midnight.

I think I will go take a shower, true blood is coming on in a few know I can't miss that!

I need to ponder a few things as well, don't be shocked to find me back here typing nonsense to a blank screen in the next few hours.

Live Spherically!

Saturday, July 31, 2010

For My Brother - Blue october

For some reason- this song seems to be hitting home for me at the moment. I am in a "funny" and sort of "longing" mood. Perhaps, I am just missing my little sister. She's not been gone long, but we've never really been apart. As much as we fight and argue, her being gone, is akin to loosing my right arm. It would be fair to say there is a hint of jealously in the air where she is concerned. I miss my family to depths and levels indescribable...but I don't have the fortitude to endure them anymore. Yet, she is.  Even though I know she is going at it blindly, and will more than likely figure out that everything I ever told her in regards to that side of the family has been the level truth... I fear for her sanity, health, and stability. FOR THE FIRST TIME, I feel like there is nothing I can do to help her through this one. And when I talk to her...I've got so many things to say, so many things I want to convey to her; but a giant lump chokes me every time and I can do nothing but tell her I love her and I am glad things are well for her. I don't know when I started hiding myself from her, or when she stopped seeing my intentions where she is concerned we're always authentic...but it pains me to think that she is convinced I dream of her demise. Simply not true but I can no longer waste my breathe describing to her in depth of my motivations. I think that makes me a bit of a martyr, I will take all people have to give, I have even stated that "my shoulders are strong enough for the weight."

I really am scared to make another mistake, where my family is concerned. It seems like I resemble them in  blood type alone. I am not sure I am apart of them in any other aspect. Of course, this is not a new feeling. I have never really felt as though I was wanted or if I belonged to them. It never hit home, until the last few days while listening to the way my mother talks to me vs. my sisters-- I suppose I will never understand why I am the ostracized party. What's more, it never mattered before, never mattered about the things my mother said to me and the way she speaks, the things that cross her mind in my presence because I had my sister who understood me. All of that is gone now, and I wound up alone.

I made such stupid choices in my life, almost from the moment I could walk... I was doing the complete opposite of what was expected or what was required. I've heard my entire life, "I'll never understand you, Monika".  So I find we have yet another thing in common, I'll never understand me either.

Well Cousins- This is Me... signing off, reminding you to live spherically!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Organizings one's finer details

Well now, last night was certainly interesting. I re-read my post, and yes...I was quite obviously drunk. I was going to delete it, save myself a little embarrassment but I figured it would kind of defeat the purpose of why exactly I started this blog nonsense. Not to mention, those who know, know that I have some crazy ideas and opinions sometimes-- And when it comes to writing, I tend to think that sometimes words, no matter how influenced by alcohol, sorrow, anger, etc. are just begging to be out in the world. With that said...I have one of two stories to tell of yesterday/last night. But for now, I think we'll go with the most embarrassing moment of the trip ... thus far.

As we all know, I was drinking last night, rather heavily, as it were. Being that this is a non-smoking establishment, I had to go outside to smoke. Of course, I took my room key and cell-phone. I finish, and walk back in. I saw nothing and it was silent as the grave once inside... I was sort of in and out of it, in my own little world, minding my own business... and that is when it happened! I dropped my cellphone. I sort of went with the "bend and snap" method and my "snap" landed my face right into a strangers' "danger zone"!!! I turn beet red immediately, knowing I have to make eye contact in mere seconds As soon as I right myself and look into the face of this stranger, I am met with a wry smile and then he spoke, "Well, it is certainly nice to meet you too" he said in a humble yet slightly flirtatious manner. It was riddled with laughter, and I knew he wanted to fall over, clutching his ribs but he conducted himself as a complete gentleman of perhaps 55. I said absolutely NOTHING- I sort of made an attempt to stutter something out and got perhaps as far as, "uhh...uh...I..." knowing there was nothing I could say to right the situation, there was no way to save was too late, I did it again...I made a COMPLETE ass out of myself!!!

And there you have it... that is about #4 out of My personal  top 10 of Most Embarrassing Moments.
Thank GAWD!!! I never have to come back here again if I don't want to.

Signing off - Live SPHERICALLY!

<---To hide my face!

The Charms of Travling with Ones' Mother

  Where oh where to begin... it has been interesting to say the very least... in an opening line.
I, who so very rarely spends the day with my mother, who finds more joy in a life 135 miles away...for obvious reasons to anyone who has "one of those" mothers; have or has (you apply correct grammar, I am tired...and drunk-ish) been, been side-swiped with an abandoned and perhaps, nearly condemned sense of capability. Does it not amaze even you, just how much you can swallow with a willing and influential mouth/throat?

At times, I am at a loss of words...there are times when I have so much to share with my kindred that I do NOT even  know where to begin. Be it rejection, or perhaps self-preservation...I am meandering with the facts that create what is most usually, but not without regrets;  my life. I stammer, I choke, I pray, I try to understand, and did I say,  pray. There are many things about me, that make me an easy target for hatred...but I love...and I dare you to deny that I care. Choke now, if you doubt my sincerity.

B.s aside. I drove. Six hours, even more,  including the stops (BECAUSE my mother no longer allows "smoke" in her car). She is suddenly above Falter. Ah, well..Blessed Be. Grace to those who follow their ideals and presumptions. Again...moving on. Confusion. a conscience will to meander BECAUSE dejection is easier than facing fact and speculation. There are a few humorous stories in here, a few pictures...that I have yet to capture...and I will get back to them...but for now we (I) am feeling the whole of disappointment with just a single CUNT hair of disheartenment. Odd how a night in search of intricacy and acceptance can lead to the feelings of complete debasement and repudiation. Such is life Cousins, such is life. 

Again...this leads me to PURPOSE. Tell me, have you been so G. D. (being gracious) clever to discover yours? I know where it ends for me... but when can you stand up with that mega-phone and shout to Mt. Etna..."Fuck You?" --Make you a deal... Swallow your pride, admit defeat and I will wretch pain til the heavens cease my sorrow and lamentations.  Uh yeah, ... thank you, come again.

To be honest, this is the sole ramblings of one so gracefully forgotten.
*best Paul Harvey voice* Good Day
*Me: Live Spherically, even when "squares" fit the bill.

As an added note: Live. Even with that BBQ stain on that white t-shirt.

I need a cigarette, perhaps the realist thing or emotion I face @ 5:11am but there it is. 
Take me for sweet, and love me for the bitters.

Tonight, I challenge you to  Live Spherically.