For My Brother - Blue october

For some reason- this song seems to be hitting home for me at the moment. I am in a "funny" and sort of "longing" mood. Perhaps, I am just missing my little sister. She's not been gone long, but we've never really been apart. As much as we fight and argue, her being gone, is akin to loosing my right arm. It would be fair to say there is a hint of jealously in the air where she is concerned. I miss my family to depths and levels indescribable...but I don't have the fortitude to endure them anymore. Yet, she is.  Even though I know she is going at it blindly, and will more than likely figure out that everything I ever told her in regards to that side of the family has been the level truth... I fear for her sanity, health, and stability. FOR THE FIRST TIME, I feel like there is nothing I can do to help her through this one. And when I talk to her...I've got so many things to say, so many things I want to convey to her; but a giant lump chokes me every time and I can do nothing but tell her I love her and I am glad things are well for her. I don't know when I started hiding myself from her, or when she stopped seeing my intentions where she is concerned we're always authentic...but it pains me to think that she is convinced I dream of her demise. Simply not true but I can no longer waste my breathe describing to her in depth of my motivations. I think that makes me a bit of a martyr, I will take all people have to give, I have even stated that "my shoulders are strong enough for the weight."

I really am scared to make another mistake, where my family is concerned. It seems like I resemble them in  blood type alone. I am not sure I am apart of them in any other aspect. Of course, this is not a new feeling. I have never really felt as though I was wanted or if I belonged to them. It never hit home, until the last few days while listening to the way my mother talks to me vs. my sisters-- I suppose I will never understand why I am the ostracized party. What's more, it never mattered before, never mattered about the things my mother said to me and the way she speaks, the things that cross her mind in my presence because I had my sister who understood me. All of that is gone now, and I wound up alone.

I made such stupid choices in my life, almost from the moment I could walk... I was doing the complete opposite of what was expected or what was required. I've heard my entire life, "I'll never understand you, Monika".  So I find we have yet another thing in common, I'll never understand me either.

Well Cousins- This is Me... signing off, reminding you to live spherically!