"Oh Monika, I wish you could get yourself sorted, well what I really mean is...I wish you could get yourself Sober" -- A sentence, I am sure many people have said to or of me.
For some reason, I have been in fantasy land the last two months. I would love to be able to say... I am exaggerating... But I have so many questions, thoughts, and animosities that it would seem I have been avoiding them entirely by drinking myself into an oblivion whilst fantasizing that a man, perhaps the only man I have ever loved for God knows what reasons... loves me back. I will always be the first person to say, " Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you the best way they know how." -- Well, I think I am just tired of the games, of the "L" word, the endless conversations and the fruitlessness that surely follows. Yet again, I am just not satisfied until I exhaust every encounter. The minute things are going straight, and I am smiling, the "blanket party" starts. I find myself in the most interesting position a woman can be in, one that I can honestly say is unfamiliar territory to me, even at twenty-seven years old. I find myself tangled and rearranged by love. I caught myself contorting The Self, to become what he wanted.
I suppose it sounds absurd, and perhaps it is. . . But I never wanted love, my entire life I strayed from it, took preventative measures, and went so far as to completely shut down my relationships... only now can I admit it is Fear, plain and simple. I can also admit that I had a preconceived notion of what Love can do to a person...I just didn't realize that my parents were the atypical example.
I have these dreams, ...I call them "Larger than Life" dreams. But in the grand scheme of things, I am only wishing for the same things everybody else does. I see myself happy, smiling in a front yard of a house that I am buying watching my children play. Little girls with long curly brown hair and eyes as blue as the ocean. It sounds attainable enough for a woman who has been in a relationship for 12 years..but nothing comes simple , and I am sure these is a price to pay for happiness...but at what cost, and what currency?
There seems to be so much foolishness in folly in my life at the moment...I feel literal spiraling and unraveling.
Then I take a step back, take a deep breath and say to myself "now, that wasn't really so bad, now was it?"
Right back to point A. Again, all I can say is... such is life cousins, such is life.
Live Spherically!
