Today, Cousins...I declare a day of reflection; a day to relive the past, a day for soul searching. A much needed activity...for most of us. For how can we decide where we are going, if we've only a vague idea of where we have been?

It is not just enough to know the things we've lived through, we must come to terms with them. We absolutely must bury the hatchets, and really sift through each "turning point" or "key" moment that really defined us.

Questions surface...:

Was it worth it?

Did I learn anything?

Did it bring me closer to God?

Do I regret it?

What could I have done differently?

I challenge you to pick a subject in life...a genuine issue and ask these questions.
Don't give the obvious, quick answer. Spend your time in the shower, on the drive to work, or any absolute alone time and really contemplate. I myself am doing this.

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What I have learned... is I have put to much stock in that stew. I spent years being angry over things that no one can control. I have had to let go of the deepest roots I've had. So many things that defined me, or made me from where I was from, or things I have lived thru...and I want a new me. To achieve that, I really must dig and make way for new roots.
Sure, the soil is rocky and devoid of water...but if I just keep digging, I will crack the surface to richness. I don't want to be a new plant altogether, I just want cleaner root-stalk.
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I am bouncing around today, I feel completely flooded with thought and emotion and this damn incessant need to write. I am tired of these overpowering thoughts, and I am tired of locking it away with the many things I leave left unsaid. I don't care who reads it, I just need to purge. -- My heart aches, but not with hopelessness. It aches in fear of whats to come. My soul is screaming but not because I am lost nor wounded, it screams with apprehension. I have no idea where I am going...I have no idea what the future has in store for me. I am so close to graduating and I have no idea what I am doing with that. 900hrs have passed I am done at 1500hrs. I have no vehicle, I will have to wait up to six weeks after I graduate to get my license, but I have to be out after I graduate. No money, and no where to go. I am trying. It is too much too fast, and I am starving. I haven't eaten in days, there is no food. I can make this, I can do it without help...but it is getting so hard.

I won't give up. I refuse to. I will walk out with my dignity.
I can't write anymore
I am too tired, and there is too much to say.

Live Spherically!

You can't keep a good dog down

Thus far, the day has been much like any other day...I awoke to the sound of dogs fighting and barking, eager for their breakfast...and as always the thankfulness that always seems to cross my brow as I awake yet again, to live another day.

I realize my last blog was January 9, 2011 and the new year was not looking very bright. I made the statement in my last blog that,:

"All this time I've been waiting for something to land in my lap, or praying I'd win the cosmic lottery."

Much more like the Cosmetic lottery! I am thriving in the face of trepidation and I feel like I am going to make it. Whether or not I am counting my eggs before they hatch; well that remains to be unseen. Only, I know in the deepest, most light deprived corners tucked inside myself that I cannot allow myself to think, nor see myself as anything but rising to greater things.

There have been so many obstacles, such rough and rugged terrain to this point, and cousins, I am just going to be happy anyway! Even while I am juggling school, career, a thirteen year relationship disintegrated, no vehicle, no washing machine, no place to live...

I take comfort in the fact that I am not helpless, there are a great many things I can do. I have been frustrated, and I am scared,...but all is not lost.

I think my greatest hardship is coming to terms with the fact that I am on my own, and there is no one I can depend on but myself. Something I said, and knew as sure as I know I have arms and legs...but actually never felt. I have always had a backup plan. Somehow, over the years he became my back-up plan, and now he just isn't there. I waited so long for the bottom to drop out, that when it finally did...it just seemed to fit, and make sense. I don't even feel like the joke is on me, should I? Well never-mind...it is what it is. I can accept that, and move on; or use it as another excuse to sit idly in an alcoholic haze for 15 years. I choose life.

But its OK. I have learned that in the face of fear, you have to take the first three steps forward. Be afraid, but do it anyway. I refuse to let something as trivial as dread and panic hold me back from what may come. I may very well land on my ass, and end up in a box but at least I can look back and say I tried, and I fought and I gave everything I had to accomplish these goals.

I live from one roller-coaster of emotions to the next. I am either insanely happy, or insanely depressed. I don't know... this time it just feels different. I actually feel like I have made the conscious choice of life.

My mother is always telling me and I QUOTE!!!! (Mothers. *sigh*): "Everyday we have a choice, to do what we know it right, and to do what we know is wrong...but happiness, true happiness should always be our guide, and we may fail, in fact at times it is inevitable but make sure you can live with the choices you make, and find happiness and understanding in both."

While I will never know the opposite side of my choices, I've made them, and it led me here. Instead of dropping anchor and assuming failure...I am walking further ahead than I ever have before, and I am making plans and I am setting goals.
I've never done that consciously before, it really is new territory for me. No matter how simple minded it may seem to some, I recognize that I am doing more than walking forward, I am taking great leaps and I am trusting the unpaved path will lead me to blacktop once again and I am going to be alright. I am going to wake up each morning and remind myself to breath until I no longer need the reminder.

What's the old addage, "You can't keep a good dog down" ?


Live Spherically!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qemWRToNYJY