Today, Cousins...I declare a day of reflection; a day to relive the past, a day for soul searching. A much needed activity...for most of us. For how can we decide where we are going, if we've only a vague idea of where we have been?
It is not just enough to know the things we've lived through, we must come to terms with them. We absolutely must bury the hatchets, and really sift through each "turning point" or "key" moment that really defined us.
Questions surface...:
Was it worth it?
Did I learn anything?
Did it bring me closer to God?
Do I regret it?
What could I have done differently?
I challenge you to pick a subject in life...a genuine issue and ask these questions.
Don't give the obvious, quick answer. Spend your time in the shower, on the drive to work, or any absolute alone time and really contemplate. I myself am doing this.
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What I have learned... is I have put to much stock in that stew. I spent years being angry over things that no one can control. I have had to let go of the deepest roots I've had. So many things that defined me, or made me from where I was from, or things I have lived thru...and I want a new me. To achieve that, I really must dig and make way for new roots.
Sure, the soil is rocky and devoid of water...but if I just keep digging, I will crack the surface to richness. I don't want to be a new plant altogether, I just want cleaner root-stalk.
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I am bouncing around today, I feel completely flooded with thought and emotion and this damn incessant need to write. I am tired of these overpowering thoughts, and I am tired of locking it away with the many things I leave left unsaid. I don't care who reads it, I just need to purge. -- My heart aches, but not with hopelessness. It aches in fear of whats to come. My soul is screaming but not because I am lost nor wounded, it screams with apprehension. I have no idea where I am going...I have no idea what the future has in store for me. I am so close to graduating and I have no idea what I am doing with that. 900hrs have passed I am done at 1500hrs. I have no vehicle, I will have to wait up to six weeks after I graduate to get my license, but I have to be out after I graduate. No money, and no where to go. I am trying. It is too much too fast, and I am starving. I haven't eaten in days, there is no food. I can make this, I can do it without help...but it is getting so hard.
I won't give up. I refuse to. I will walk out with my dignity.
I can't write anymore
I am too tired, and there is too much to say.
Live Spherically!
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